Finding the Balance…Part 1
I want to preface this post with two things:
Finding the balance in life is a daily practice. I have not found the answers or found the “perfect” balance, but I am in the pursuit of finding it in every season of life.
These stories and tips are what have helped ME. I love helping people, so if sharing what helps me, helps you then my goals for this post are achieved.
This year has been a year full of new adventures for me. That is saying something considering it is only March. Some are new experiences I have decided to try, some are things that I have been pursuing a while, and some found me when I wasn’t expecting them.
Most of these adventures started as goals of me being motivated to improve myself physically (typical New Years' resolutions), but some related to spiritual, professional, or creative growth. My list somehow kept growing and before I knew it, I had bit off a little more than I could chew. Surprisingly, this ended up being a blessing and opening a door to finding a balance I had subconsciously been searching for.
A little back story.
In college, during the semesters I took more hours, I tended to do better. My grades were better, I managed my time well, I overall felt like I had my life together. My threshold was about 17-18 hours to find this “almost stretched too thin” area, but if I went over it, things would fall apart. I would get super stressed, have anxiety that manifested into physical symptoms, cry to my parents a lot, and feel super down and like a failure because I wasn’t able to make it all happen. If I had fewer hours, I would let myself “relax” and become less stressed about the work and more stressed because l was letting myself become “lazy”. I would get closer to deadlines on assignments (I’ll go into more detail about this later on, but this went against my instincts in a big way!), spend more time lounging, and not fill my time with as many meaningful habit-building skills.
Fast forward a decade.
Motherhood is a gift unlike any other and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. My boys truly are little pieces of my heart walking around outside of my body and bringing so much fulfillment and joy to my life. With that being said, the balance of my life was thrown for a major loop when they joined our family. Life as I knew was so shockingly different because no one can truly prepare you for parenthood until you’re in it, and because I felt as if I had no control. I felt like I had so much to do and never enough time to do it, yet many days especially during that newborn phase I felt “lazy” and “unproductive.” I felt like I was in a tug a war between those semesters in college when I was outside of my “sweet spot” and stressed to the max because of all the things I had to do, yet I looked around saw the laziness of the girl who was only taking 12 hours. These lies I was telling myself did a number on my mental health during that phase of life. I dealt with postpartum anxiety and depression with both boys in varying degrees. I found myself feeling guilty and beating myself up about it (as so many of us mothers do). The balance was off, and it was so hard to get it back. It takes time, patience, practice, change, and most importantly work.
Fast-forward to life more recently.
Today, I am surrounded by the goals I set just a few months earlier and I am beginning to see the progress of not only some of the more recent tasks I have taken on but the ones I have been working on for years.
I am running a half marathon for the first time in my life next month (something I never thought I would do!!), stronger physically than I have been in a long time, publishing a book (or a few :) ) that has been in the works for the past two years, and overall happier than I have been in a while. I realized I was feeling balanced. I started questioning what is different, why am I feeling this way, when did I make this shift? I sat with those questions and determined that I had 5 things that have helped me get here.
My top 5 tips for finding the balance in my own life:
Plan Ahead.
Set a goal (big or small) for yourself and stick to it
Ask for help
Read the Bible, journal, or spend a little time being quiet
Let go of the desire to control it all
Plan Ahead:
As I mentioned earlier in the post, I am NOT a procrastinator by nature. I plan ahead and pretty much always have. In college, I would get the syllabus at the beginning of the semester and figure out how I could get most of the assignments completed ASAP. When a paper was assigned, I would have it done usually at a minimum of two weeks ahead of time. It became a running joke between my friends because they would ask if I had finished the paper and then realized they shouldn’t have even asked because they already knew the answer. This is why when I would get “lazy” in my own eyes, I had such a hard time beating myself up about getting too close to deadlines.
Today, I view this skill as a gift and realize how much it helps me in my day-to-day life. In a typical week, I plan my meals, when I’m going to the grocery store, look at my calendar and schedule to see where I might need help or need to allow extra time, and even look at things like when can I take a shower or visit HomeGoods? This might seem excessive to some people, but for me, it takes away an element of stress that makes room for more balance.
Set a Goal (big or small) for yourself and stick to it:
When I started this year, I had no idea I was going to have so many goals for myself. Running a half-marathon was not at the forefront of my mind, but I decided to go for it. Having these goals has allowed me to be more disciplined, forced me to plan because I have to fit it all in, and most importantly be proud of myself. It also forced me to choose self-care in a way I hadn’t really before and ask for more help (see tip 3). I also decided to read the Bible all the way through (see tip 4), and publish a book (see what I mean by biting off more than I can chew ha). I have set goals in the past and would get so angry at myself when I wouldn’t achieve them. I felt like a failure. Shifting your mindset to not allow yourself to quit is tough and you have to fight with yourself daily, but having someone to hold you accountable helps. My husband does this for me every day, but also my close friends, my workout group, and my family. I do it for me, but I share it with them to help me get there. I have felt more proud of myself than I have in a while when I am running. I see the mileage creep up and I can’t believe my legs have carried me that far. The real kicker though is that what gets me to the finish is my 5-year-old. He watches me train, he talks to me about what I’m doing, and most importantly he sees me modeling me doing something for me. He is so excited for me to “win” and get a medal, and I can’t wait to give it to him. I’m not by any means saying you have to get out there and run a half-marathon, but do something that pushes you to be proud and makes you realize what you are accomplishing the goal for.
Ask for help:
This seems like an obvious one. When life gets busy and you start to feel overwhelmed, ask for help. I would ask for my in-laws or parents to watch the boys so my husband and I could go on a date, or I would send them to mother’s day out a couple of times a week. This would help, but not always in a way that allowed me to find daily balance. The true help was right in front of me, my husband. I am a doer by nature and a helper (enneagram 2 to the max!), so a lot of times I just get busy doing and not realize that my cup is empty. My husband and I like to compare me to a lithium battery or an energizer bunny. I go hard and strong for a long time not realizing that I am getting low on energy, and then I just stop working. I tend to have what I like to refer to as my “empty cup freakout.” I don’t want to burden him with having to do more because I can’t handle it all, so I tend to let myself reach this point of breaking before I can realize it is coming. Over the years, I am getting better at noticing my signs and triggers (thank you to therapy and my therapist for getting me here!), but I am a work in progress. I let this idea that I was burdening him overshadow the fact that I was keeping him from shining in fatherhood and not allowing him to delight in taking care of me and feeling useful. When I took a step back and let him help (having a goal to focus on for yourself helps with this!), I realized that he was an even more amazing father and husband than I ever gave him credit for. I had assumed he didn’t know the right way to do things, but by me helicoptering I was keeping him from learning so he could do it in the future. I have been focused on training for the marathon in particular and spending more time out of the house, and what I have found is that he is doing it his way, and his way is great because he helped me. He has found more patience, confidence, and I think feels more respected by me. He is my life partner, and sometimes you have to let go of the desire to control it all (See tip 5) and let them lead.
Read the Bible, journal, or spend a little time being quiet:
One of my best friends from college introduced me to the Bible Recap (thank you, Carrie!). It is a plan that allows you to read the Bible in a year but breaks it down into smaller more digestible bits that are recapped with a daily podcast. She completed it last year (2021) and I decided to give it a try this year. This was one of the first goals I set since it started on January 1st, but I didn’t know at the time I would be adding so many other things to my plate. My husband decided to do it with me, and it has truly been a gift. I look forward to reading it every day. We have found ourselves having some deep, meaningful conversations about our faith, things that surprised us, what we learned, and how we want to apply it in our own lives. I grew up going to church and being in a faith-filled home, but I have had so many ah-ha moments in the past few months of doing this plan that it blows my mind. What I thought I knew was just a skimmed surface of the truth behind the Bible. I try to start my day with my reading and podcast while I sit by myself and drink coffee (my husband does the same), and it sets me off on such a good foot for the day. It doesn’t happen every day because of real-life and kids, but I try to make it a priority and not beat myself up if I can’t get it done first thing. I will find time in the day because any time is better than no time. I also love to journal, but lately, I have replaced my journaling with this plan. Finding time to just be quiet, reflect, or draw closer to God is one step closer to peace in my mind, which ultimately puts me one step closer to a better balance.
Let go of the desire to control it all:
I saved the best for last, but also the hardest. It is so easy to say “let go, let God” or ‘don’t try to control what is out of your control,” but that is easier said than done. When I look back on my life, I may have not always realized I was trying to control everything, but I was. I think that is a pretty typical thing for most of us because when you think of your future, the uncertainty is scary, and trying to get a handle on at least some of it makes us feel better. I find that my anxiety peaks when I have lots of uncertain things happening all at once in my life, and this is when I try to figure it all out and have a plan for every scenario that might play out. Somewhere between the Bible recap, watching myself fail at goals or succeed, asking for help, and trying to plan, I realized that this was the most important element of it all. One simple fact helped me achieve this: God has already got it all figured out. My life from the day I was born to the day I enter Heaven is already planned out for me. He knows my successes, he knows my failures. He knows my happy times, and he knows the challenging times. He has designed it all. Something about that lifts a huge weight off my shoulders. It allows me to release the control. It allows me to stop in the moment when I’m anxious, scared, worried, or in a fit of control, and remember that it’s already done. When I try to control my life I get wound too tight. I try to fix it all, be it all, and end up losing the balance. When I put him in the center and let him lead my life, I come back to a much more balanced place.
As I mentioned at the beginning, I have not found balance, but I am finding it one day at a time and these are the things that help me get there. I feel life is slowly getting closer to that “sweet spot” number of hours like I had in college. As we know life loves to throw us curveballs, so I hope these tips arm me with ammunition to find the balance again when it seems to get lost. I hope they can help you can find your balance and remember that your plan and your path are already designed. Your purpose is waiting to be fulfilled and you are not alone in this big, crazy world.
